Hustle Culture

"Hustle culture, plagues people with the mindset that constant work is the ultimate measures of worth. Despite my belief that hustle culture is toxic, I find myself capture by it anyway." - (i think i figured out how to rest - Emma chamberlain) God I love her podcast because of how much I relate to it

I don't realize it but my constant desire to stay busy and to be productive at every moment has create a cycle of burn out in my life. As a person of perfectionism, I always believe everyone has so much potential to become whoever you want to be if you just put the effort to do it. Easier said than done but as long as we try, I think anything is possible. So I pushed, I used the momentum of rotting away my life during quarantine to surge my energy of not wasting the years away during my prime. I stopped watching my kdramas because I didnt want to take any moment for granted. Burnt out after burnt out, I I met with one that was out of my control, a burn out for dance, something I never wanted to experience, of not being able to enjoy my one and true passion that I BURN for. I needed rest. What was a rest for one month, turn into two, then turn into three. I once spoke to someone about resting and they gave me advice I wish I took into heart. Once you rest, it's hard to start back up again. I myself understand and acknowledge how much one can do in one month, in one week, in one day. Just by putting one hour into something every week can grow you so much but I wanted that 'break' so I stopped, when I think back at the time I wasted, I despise myself for it.

But at the same time I dont fully regret it, cause I knew deep down how much I really needed that rest. If I pushed myself any more longer, I would have lost myself. Though I admit that the 'rest' wasn't controlled. It was just rotting and binging anytime I get because of 'How much I missed out the past years'. I let myself set free so much that getting back into my discipline felt so difficult, it felt like I'm reverting to the old self that I so badly wanted to grow out of. Even with the tendencies of self pressuring, I also understand how much rest is so important. (lol ironic) 

One night during a celebration of cny of playing firecrackers with friends, I surprisingly felt calm. A feeling so rare, where my heart and mind was at peace while watching my friends set off firecrackers. I didn't have the constant thoughts running through my mind and the self pressure of doing nothing productive, instead I was genuinely being present at the moment without having to constantly remind myself to do so. I used to live by the phrase 'Embracing the Moment', cause I think tough times and great times would only occur once in it's own way. I know I wouldn't have been able to be present if I was packed with a tight schedule and to do list of having to do everything so that I dont miss out on my potential.

I was torn between the version of myself that build and grind to prove that she's capable of everything she dreamed of, and the version that is tired of surviving with the constant self pressure to feel worthy. I'll take this as a lesson to learn to find balance. To achieve my so called potential but being able to be present in the moment. You only live once right?

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