CACTI

"Hustle culture, plagues people with the mindset that constant work is the ultimate measures of worth. Despite my belief that hustle culture is toxic, I find myself capture by it anyway." - (i think i figured out how to rest - Emma chamberlain) God I love her podcast because of how much I relate to it I don't realize it but my constant desire to stay busy and to be productive at every moment has create a cycle of burn out in my life. As a person of perfectionism, I always believe everyone has so much potential to become whoever you want to be if you just put the effort to do it. Easier said than done but as long as we try, I think anything is possible. So I pushed, I used the momentum of rotting away my life during quarantine to surge my energy of not wasting the years away during my prime. I stopped watching my kdramas because I didnt want to take any moment for granted. Burnt out after burnt out, I I met with one that was out of my control, a burn out for dance, somethi...

'Embrace the moment', I try to remind myself, but it'll occasionally slip my mind when I begin to think about every single bad thing that could happen instead, looking 10 steps ahead of me. Often thinking for other people and making assumptions that aren't even true. I allow myself to act a certain way just because I've been hurt in the past, and that's my excuse? When we look back onto mistakes, we often think about what we've done wrong and what could've been done better. Yet changing from it can be easier said that done. Without noticing, sometimes we'd still fall into the bad habits because to grow out of it, discomfort is essential. Truth be told, no one could acknowledge their own mistakes without someone else pointing it out. So how could I assume the worst when I make mistakes too?

In some kind of way I might be a perfectionist. The tendency of wanting to do things perfectly or I wouldn't even dare to put myself out there. I have a standard of how things should go and even if it means being too critical of myself, I'd attempt to push myself because no one else is going to do that for you. Possibly for certain aspects in life, that was out of your control where you weren't able to achieve the things you wanted to. However, maturing is realising that we now have the responsibility to change that.  Yet it's difficult to not put the past against yourself and have a difficult time forgiving something you did in the past. So I end up holding back. With that desire of having just the 'perfect moment', I hold back from creating, from speaking, from stepping out of that comfort zone. Instead, by hyper fixating on everything we've done wrong and not allowing ourselves to acknowledge the things we've done right.  When have I allowed myself to...

I didn't expect for them to notice my silence when that's the embody of me ever since I was a kid. I instinctively assumed they couldn't care less when they never ever bothered to ask. So yes, it did stunned me, when my mum told me her worries of not truly knowing me. While it's true that they only know of my cover page but not the content. Maybe it's cause I never tried opening the book for them or maybe it's cause they never cared enough lift the pages. The words got stuck in my throat as I tried to explain myself, afraid of the unknown response I would receive.  In the end my book was still left untouched, while I'm back to listening to your story books instead.

In every circumstances, there will always be depth to it.  The way for some, problems is not being able to afford an expensive pair of shoes, and for another, problems would be praying for survival in the midst of war your country is going through.  They're both 'Problems' but in different depths. Just like how when two person is drowning and one is closer to the surface than the other, doesn't mean they aren't both suffering. 

I rather be the one hurting than be the one hurting. How did you interpret that? I despise the feeling of guilt to my core. Remembering vividly the countless times and instant breakdowns I had. Especially only having the purest intentions just to receive the most unexpected reactions. They say 'Mistakes are meant to be made', so lessons were learnt. But how does one know of the consequences when there was no Rule Book in the first place. Being the one getting hurt meant you had an excuse and a reason to blame that is not yourself. Being the one getting hurt meant you have the choice to forgive and forget. But in the end, you, are the one getting hurt.  Yet being on the other end means you'll live a lifetime feeling indebted over a past action. Over something you can't seem to understand it yourself. Getting called labels for a memory you wish you can alter. I can't lie that some actions that I made were genuinely stupid and karma does exist at some extent. However ...